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General considerations about emotional blackmail
Contrary to what many people think, emotional blackmail is a subtle but serious type of psychological violence when you notice the main signs. The manipulator behaves like a seductive person who does everything to protect his victim. But, in fact, he only wants to keep her under his control for the sake of his interests.
This kind of violence can happen to anyone, not only to the most innocent and naive. Anyone is subject to emotional manipulation, and when it involves a feeling of love for the blackmailer, getting out of the situation becomes very difficult.
But there is no need to worry, because, in this text, we will give some tips on how to get rid of emotional blackmail, and, of course, expose important information on the subject. Read on to learn more!
Understand more about emotional blackmail and its types
The manipulator can use various resources to get what he wants. But, basically, he puts himself in the victim's place or uses his power to threaten and get what he wants. To identify if someone is suffering from emotional blackmail, see below more information about it and know the types of this kind of manipulation!
What emotional blackmail is and its types
Emotional blackmail is a means that people use to get what they want. An individual can, for example, use fear to get the other to do what he wants. He can also sensitize his victims to his interests or even use his authority to get his requests met.
The blackmailer uses various resources, so it is not always easy to identify when you are engaging in emotional manipulation. However, there are 3 types of emotional blackmail that are easier to spot: victimization, threats of punishment, and compensatory relationships.
Threats of punishment
As the name suggests, threats of punishment are based on threatening behaviors that lead the victim to blame and accountability for their own actions. For example, in this type of emotional blackmail, the person usually says: "if you don't do this, I will stop talking to you. With the feeling of guilt, the victim ends up giving in.
Threats always involve a punishment for the victim, so that she feels guilty for the consequences. Following the example above, "he will stop talking to me because I didn't do what he asked", so "I am to blame for him not talking to me anymore". This is even stronger when the victim has low self-esteem.
Victimization
The emotional blackmailer uses victimization a lot. Through appealing and theatrical scenes, he induces the victim to feel guilty. Sometimes he distorts the facts to confuse the victim. Because of this, he is usually "very good at talking" and has a great speech. Thus, if he is not careful, anyone can fall for his talk.
When the emotional blackmail is effected through victimization and the manipulator gets what he wants, this whole victim role is undone. The theatrical staging and scenes of appeal cease to exist and he acts normally, as if nothing had happened.
Compensatory relationships
In compensatory relationships, the blackmailer uses a kind of reward or award to get what he wants. Generally, the victim feels as if he is in an eternal debt. The other is too good and, to get what he offers, it will be necessary to do what he wants. It is a very disproportionate relationship.
The blackmailer usually uses something that the victim likes as a reward and that, apparently, only he can offer. Even if the victim does not notice this type of emotional blackmail, she feels trapped in the relationship, as if she could only be happy with this person. Only with advice from others and the search for independence will it be possible to break free.
The profile of the blackmailer and his victim
Knowing how to identify the profile of the blackmailer and the victim is essential to avoid falling into a cycle of emotional blackmail, as well as not practicing this psychological violence with people. Learn more in the topics below!
They tell you what you want to hear
Usually, the person who does emotional blackmail is the victim's love target. Sometimes, the manipulated person gives in to the other's wishes so that he or she can keep the relationship stable. Faced with this, the blackmailer uses as a strategy the words you want to hear, such as promising to change behavior.
He may also promise rewards and rewards that you've been waiting for and haven't received yet. In this way, he gets your hopes up, exercising control over your life. You live believing that tomorrow will be better and that everything will work out. So watch out for this behavior.
Gifts and treats
In a couple's fight, for example, it is natural for one of the partners to give gifts as a demonstration of repentance. But in the case of emotional blackmail, the manipulator makes a point of pleasing his victim so that, in the future, he can charge her for whatever he wants. The good deeds he does are nothing more than bargaining to be used later.
The goal of this strategy is to show that he does everything for you, sacrifices for the relationship and is always willing to see you well and happy. However, in a healthy relationship, gifts are given voluntarily and never used as an exchange.
They are jealous and controlling
The backdrop of emotional blackmail is control. After all, the manipulator wants you to do his bidding, regardless of your wishes. In addition, he's usually very jealous, masking this behavior with the argument that he's very much in love and caring about what he has.
By the way, this perception of "having" is very characteristic of emotional manipulators. They consider their victims as possessions or property. They talk about how lucky they are to have the blackmailed ones in their lives. But, in truth, lines like this are only to justify the jealousy and control they present.
They are critical
No matter how much the person does, he will always be insufficient for the manipulator. The person who does emotional blackmail is dissatisfied with the victim, but does not abandon him. He criticizes, judges, points out flaws and defects and makes very degrading comparisons about the victim, but uses other tactics to make him stay in his life.
This emotional game has only one objective: to lower the victim's self-esteem, so that she feels incompetent and unworthy of better relationships. With the feeling of devaluation, control is exercised so that the manipulation can take place. For this reason, it is very important that the blackmailed person strengthens his/her self-love.
They do not always present reasonable arguments
One of the strategies of emotional blackmailers is to place blame and accountability on the person. Even if the victims are right, the manipulators twist the conversation and facts to make them feel guilty for what happened. But their arguments have no foundation.
A clear example of this is, after a couple's argument, the manipulative partner leaves the victim talking alone or simply disappears without giving explanations or staying days without speaking. When the victim gives in and apologizes, even if the mistake is not hers, the blackmailer keeps repeating the behavior, leaving the person more and more worn out each day.
They embarrass partners in public
Emotional blackmail works very well when manipulators embarrass their victims in public. Ironically, they make no bones about disguising their displeasure over an unfulfilled will. They are willing to do anything to get their manipulation accomplished.
They usually embarrass their victims by using dramatic scenes, changing their tone of voice, or sulking, so that they are embarrassed and give in to their victims' wishes. The goal is to get the attention of other people so that the blackmailed person will think that it is their fault that everything is happening.
Who are the victims of blackmail
Those who think that the victims of emotional blackmail are fragile and innocent people are wrong. On the contrary, many of them are responsible individuals who try to do the right things. The big issue is that the manipulators find a loophole in these individuals to exert control.
The targets of emotional manipulation tend to exhibit the following characteristics:
- They are sensitive to criticism;
- They seek to avoid conflict;
- They try to adapt to situations for the sake of the health of the relationship;
- They prefer to put their own needs on the back burner;
- They tend to have low self-esteem and insecurity;
- They try to please everyone and need approval;
- They blame themselves too easily;
- They have a sense of compassion and are empathetic;
- They are ethical, responsible and seek to do what is right.
How to deal with emotional blackmail
It's not always easy to deal with emotional blackmail, especially when you have low self-esteem. But you can get out of this manipulation scenario with the tips below. Check out the guidelines!
Reflect on yourself and the context
If you are constantly apologizing for your actions, even though you haven't done anything wrong, always giving in to the other person's requests, and realize that the person never accepts a "no", then you are living an emotional blackmail. Keep in mind that the manipulator will not always use violence or power to control the victim.
Sometimes the blackmailer also uses guilt, pity, fear and obligation to get what he wants. Therefore, it is necessary that you reflect on your feelings and your actions. Also evaluate the whole context, see how often you need to sacrifice yourself for the sake of the other person's wishes.
Analyze and understand the blackmailer's tactics
In a battle, warriors usually analyze their opponent's tactics in order to defeat him. In the relationship of emotional blackmail, the principle is the same. That is, you need to analyze and understand the tactics of the manipulator to get out of control. You need to observe the behavior pattern of the blackmailer.
Generally, he uses the victim's emotions to control him. Feelings such as fear, guilt, and accountability make the person unwilling to go against him and, therefore, give in to everything he asks. Try to observe what strategies he uses, especially at times when you tried to resist, but couldn't.
If this is too difficult for you, try putting yourself in the position of an outside observer. Look at the situation from the outside, imagine if it were happening to someone else, and analyze the tactics.
Set Limits
Keep one thing in mind: the other person will only go as far as you allow them to. In other words, it's you who sets the limit for the other person. So, to get rid of emotional blackmail once and for all, it's essential to set limits. To do this, your priorities should be clear and transparent.
However great your love for the blackmailer may be, your well-being cannot be put aside. If you feel uncomfortable or giving up something of importance in your life to meet the other's request, this is a sign of emotional manipulation. Therefore, have the strength to break this control.
Say no
Caring and generous people tend to have a hard time with the word "no," which is a breeding ground for emotional manipulators. But you don't have to give up your generous heart, you just have to know how to say "no" at the right moment.
It is necessary to express this word in order for emotional blackmail to come to an end. Probably, the first time you deny a request of the blackmailer, he will not like it, but it is necessary to resist.
If your difficulty in saying "no" is too great, practice in front of the mirror until you succeed. Also, work on your thoughts as well. Eliminate guilt from your heart and don't feel like a bad person just because you denied a request. Instead, exercise your self-love and put yourself first.
The cycle of emotional blackmail
Emotional blackmail works in a cruel and subtle cycle of psychological violence. After the first will is granted, the manipulator continues his behavior by controlling the blackmailed person. See below how each stage of this type of manipulation happens.
The handler makes clear its demand
First, the manipulator makes his demand very clear. He states transparently what he wants you to do. At this point, he will not use any kind of tactic to carry out the emotional blackmail. However, he may hint at his wishes by means of the victim's feelings.
The emotions used in this first stage are usually pity and duty, but always with a meek manner. Depending on the manipulator's personality, he may speak in a slightly more authoritarian manner, however, without threats. Threats arise after the victim's resistance.
The victim resists the will of the manipulator
After the manipulator makes his demands clear, the victim naturally resists. This is because the blackmailer's requests are usually unpleasant, inconvenient and harmful or simply compromise the personal needs of the blackmailed person. Therefore, the reaction of refusal is common.
When the likely victim of emotional blackmail manages to say "no," the manipulator continues to insist, with the possibility of changing his tactics until she gives in. The person may use arguments to show the irrationality of the request, but still, the insistence continues.
On the other hand, the desire of the manipulator may even be somewhat reasonable. However, he does not accept the refusal of the victim, who feels uncomfortable for not being respected.
The threat arises
The person who does the emotional blackmail cannot stand to receive "no". Remember that she is someone who is controlling and wants everything to be done in her own way and in her own way. In light of this, psychological threats begin to emerge, in which the manipulator makes the victim feel that she is responsible for the negative effects of the refusal.
It is at this stage that compensatory behavior comes in, in which the victim will only receive such a reward if he or she gives in to the blackmailer's wishes. This is also where the manipulator may play the victim, placing the blame for his or her condition on the person manipulated. Fear, pity, guilt, and obligation are very common feelings at this point.
The victim yields to the subpoena
Finally, if the manipulator's tactics are successful, the emotional blackmail materializes with the victim giving up his own interests and needs. That is, after so many threats, the person gives up what he considers right and renounces his principles to meet the demands of the other.
Even with the feeling of discomfort and discomfort, the victim does what the manipulator asks and, after all the blackmail, he returns to his normal state, without appealing scenes. Generally, the victim feels sorry, afraid, or feels obliged to give in to the intimidation.
The repetition of the steps
Once the emotional blackmail is effective, the manipulator will repeat all the steps for the cycle of psychological violence to continue, no matter how harmful it will be for the victim. If one strategy has worked, that is the one he will continue using, because he already knows how the victim behaves in the face of this tactic.
But it is important to understand that the blackmailer can use other resources to manipulate, especially if any refusal is firm. One of the characteristics of the manipulator is persistence and intelligence. Since he does not like to receive a "no" and wants to control, other strategies will be used to get what he wants.
Examples of blackmail and what to do about it
Sometimes, the victims of emotional blackmail do not know they are being manipulated, which makes it even more difficult to get out of this cycle of control. So, see below some examples of this manipulation and know what to do in front of it!
Examples of emotional blackmail
A classic example of emotional blackmail is in the movies. In the movie Shrek, there is a character who uses facial expressions to get what he wants and manipulate his victims, the cat in boots. When he wants something, he widens his eyes, holds his hat between his front paws and makes a pitiful expression. With that, anyone would feel sorry for him.
The emotional blackmailer has the same intention: he uses artifices to get what he wants. In a love relationship, for example, the person may often threaten to abandon the other just to get what he wants. However, identifying emotional blackmail requires evaluation of the whole situation, mainly if you feel manipulated or not.
What to do when faced with signs of emotional blackmail
When the emotional blackmail is done by someone you love, getting out of this situation becomes a very difficult task. After all, there are many feelings involved. But you can reverse this situation through couple's therapy. With the guidance of a psychologist, the manipulator can abandon this controlling behavior and live in a lighter way.
However, be very careful not to fall for the idea of "fixing" the other person, as this can be a trap for you. The manipulator may use the promise of change as an excuse to continue the manipulation, so think of yourself first and seek the help of a psychologist. If you need it, count on friends and family for advice.
Important: Emotional blackmail is a crime!
Since it is considered psychological violence, according to the Maria da Penha Law, emotional blackmail is a crime. This law guarantees the protection of women, who statistically suffer more domestic violence. Therefore, as soon as you identify the signs of this type of emotional manipulation, you can seek judicial protection immediately.
However, even though emotional blackmail is included in the Maria da Penha law, this psychological violence can happen to anyone, including men, adolescents and even children. It is essential to seek protection as soon as possible so that the manipulation does not generate worse consequences.
Do not tolerate emotional blackmail and if you feel threatened, do not hesitate to seek help!
Understand that life provides the gift of free will so that everyone can make their choices and shape their paths on this Earth. Therefore, you don't need to live bound by emotional blackmail in the name of love, protection or whatever. If it's generating discomfort, threats and feelings of imprisonment, the place is not for you.
Now that you know that emotional blackmail is psychological violence and categorized as a crime, you can seek the support of a women's police station, or even seek psychological help to get out of this situation. Do not give in, be firm and do not tolerate this type of violence in your life!
